Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
you inspire me to be a worse person
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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