I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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