I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
pop tarts are not kleenex
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
