I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
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