I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
