What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize