I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize