If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Randomize
