I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
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