I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
