I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
I'd rather make snow angels in a pool of elephant shit.than sleep with him.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
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