Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
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