Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
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