I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize
