I accidentally had phone sex last night
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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