I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Randomize
