well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
