Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
