You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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