I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
Randomize
