I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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