How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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