the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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