I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
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