if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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