My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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