they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
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