her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
