My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
You ate ashes out of my bong
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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