I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
i just had sex bonerless
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize