He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Randomize
