His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
You aren't going to like my movie choice because it's a Disney movie, but I am cordially inviting you to the couch for blowjobs.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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