Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
