they need to just BURY HIM!
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Randomize
