Got a toothbrush?
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
