stop calling my apartment porn island.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
Sex in the backyard? Check.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
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