I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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