Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
