I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Randomize
