The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
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