So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
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