I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize
