i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
it's not cheating when I paid for it
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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