Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Randomize
