I think I won the penis lottery.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
So I just went to clothing optional bar
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
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