I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
My dream date: Hotdogs/nachos from the bar & tequila. Is that too much to ask?
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Randomize
