The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
