Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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