ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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