When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Randomize
