I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
Randomize