why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
