If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
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