The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
