the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
you mean i was at the winter classic?
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Randomize
