today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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