Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
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