After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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