u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
