new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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