I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
