Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
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