hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Randomize
